…if i was slightly smaller.

seriously, some of these are nicer than my flat. soon dogs will be driving cars.

(some of these are available to buy. if you’re slightly mental and want to purchase one, follow the source links at the bottom)

1.

value: unknown

complete with storm windows and air-conditioning…

2.

value: unknown

for the oriental dog…

3.

value: $15-20,000

this house comes with a cat-butler…

4.

value: $6-10,000

check out the porch…

5.

value: $8,000

how many windows? no wonder he looks smug…

6.

value: $8,000

an ideal house to retire in…

7.

value: $10,500

river view, flatscreen tv, air-conditioning…

8.

value: unknown

the dogvilla…

9.

value: unknown

for the dog on the move…

10.

value: $7,000

the minimalist doghouse…

sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

i’ve done some of the leg-work for you…

1. miniature donkey talk

‘the talk of the donkey world’

2. sheep!

‘the voice of the independent flockmaster’

3. a bear’s life

‘celebrating the masculine lifestyle’

4. the girl watcher

‘a guide to girl watching’

5. girls and corpses

‘dreams and nightmares do come true’

website links: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

if you don’t agree you must be dead inside.

absolute genius.

1. last year in delaware a superior court judge sentenced russell teeter to 60 days in jail for exposing himself to a 10 year old girl. obviously not believing this to be punishment enough (more jail time?) the judge also demanded that mr teeter wear a t-shirt bearing the statement ‘i am a registered sex offender’ to work for 2 years.

2. just last month a 73 year old man was caught taking metal from scrapyards under false pretenses. he told yard owners that the metal donations would be used to build a memorial for soldiers in iraq only to sell the metal and pocket the cash. judge a.t. frank decided that philip kolinski’s sentence should include cleaning the war memorial outside the governmental centre using a toothbrush. he was also accompanied by a placard saying ‘i stole from veterans’.

genius.

3. 19 year old donna shelby went out for a meal at a local restaurant in august 2006 and then decided that she didn’t want to pay for the food. so she got up and ran from the building. when the case reached court the judge, after apparently finding no other punishment to fit the crime, ordered the diner-dasher to spend a day in the kitchen of the local jail washing the convicts’ dishes. judge chichester, who’s possibly a bit mental, claimed he came up with the idea after remembering a tv show where characters had to wash dishes in the restaurant to cover their food bill.

4. if you happen to be driving around minnesota i advise you to watch out for vehicles with license plates that start with the letter ‘w’.

any person convicted of drunk driving more than once is given one of these special ‘whiskey plates’ in order to let the public and authorities know of their previous convictions. dunno about you but i can see this causing a few accidents as sober drivers try to keep as far away as possible for fear of injury.

5. this one’s slightly fucked up. in 2004, a woman named tiffany nix drove into and killed a schoolchild whilst on opiates and amphetamines. the judge, rather than locking her up for a considerable period of time, sentenced nix to 10 seperate jail sentences of 1 day each on the anniversary of the child’s death, her last day in prison being september 28th, 2015.

the child’s parents were said to be happy with the sentence.

6. judge michael cicconetti in ohio ordered 3 men to stand outside a court wearing chicken suits holding a sign that read ‘no chicken ranch in painesville’ after they were caught soliciting women for sex.

the chicken suit is apparently a reference to a huge legal whorehouse in nevada called the chicken ranch. the men were caught after they tried to pay an undercover police officer to do the dirty. there’s a bbc news report to watch that includes a brief interview with one of the chickens here.

7. in 2005, a heartless twat by the name of michelle murray abandoned 35 kittens in 2 seperate parks in ohio. when rangers discovered the kittens many had infections and 9 later died. as part of the sentence, the judge had ms murray taken to a remote location in the woods where she was left for 1 night without food, water and entertainment.

whilst sentencing murray, the judge apparently said, “how would you like to be dumped off at a metro park late at night, spend the night listening to the coyotes … , listening to the raccoons around you in the dark night, and sit out there in the cold not knowing where you’re going to get your next meal, not knowing when you are going to be rescued?”.

fuck that! he should have said, “how would you like to be dumped off at park when you’re too small to fend for yourself only to die a few days later?” and then had her shot.

8. and finally, my favourite. to punish a man who called a policeman a ‘pig’, the same judge that presided over the chicken case, michael cicconetti, made a man stand next to a real pig whilst holding a sign that read, ‘this is not a police officer’. beautiful.

sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

1. (exodus 7:14-25) rivers and other water sources turned to blood (’dam’)

for his first trick, god, in a roundabout way, caused the water in the nile to turn to blood. this in turn caused all the fish to die and a powerful stench to fill the air.

these days we’ve got mass pollution of rivers all over the world, the effects of which are pretty similar to the scenario above, sometimes exactly the same (but without the magic, or blood).

the photo above is of the yellow river in china, 2006 (the official news agency in china said this particular accident had caused the river to ‘turn red and smelly‘), the red colouring caused by a leak from a heating factory. china has some of the most polluted in the world with an estimated 21′000 chemical factories positioned along the country’s rivers and coastline.

as for dead fish caused by river pollution…

another red polluted river can be seen here.

2. (exodus 7:26-8:11) reptiles (commonly believed to be frogs) (’tsfardeia’)

next on the big man’s list was frogs. he ’simply’ caused hordes of them to swamp egypt for a day, probably causing hell.

these days a group of frogs is known as an ‘army’ of frogs and it seems that’s apt in hawaii.

(pic: one of the troublemakers - name witheld)

it’s not widely known but back in 1994 the mayor of hawaii declared war on the local frog population whilst officially declaring a ‘civil defense national emergency‘ due to the ever-growing infestation of hopping amphibians. specifically, the unarmed culprits were, and still are, coqui frogs: these frogs are so-called due to the extremely high pitched sound (”ko-kee!, ko-kee!”) the males constantly emit during the night and only moved onto the island at the beginning of the 1990s. due to the lack of any notable predators on the island, it’s possible for tens of thousands of the little singers to inhabit just an acre of land and local real estate experts believe the frogs will eventually drive down property prices.

(pic: the hard facts. the locals don’t seem to be very effective killers)

i found an old anti-coqui blog started by what seems to be a local of the area here. it hasn’t been updated for a while (perhaps the frogs caught wind of the blog and snapped) but you can still read the informative section entitled ‘how to kill invasive coqui tree frogs’ here.

3. (exodus 8:12-15) lice or gnats (’kinim’)

after lunch god told moses to instruct aaron (that’s delegation for you) to turn the dust into a mass of gnats, presumably to cause a bit of havoc with the egyptians.

in modern times? i’ve never known of dust transforming into gnats, through magic or otherwise, but i do know of a gnat that’s been causing immense problems for a huge amount of time…

mosquitoes are responsible for one of the biggest killers on earth: malaria.

in africa, where 90% of the world’s malaria cases occur, nearly a million people die from the disease every year, or around 2700 per day. i reckon that constitutes a plague.

4. (exodus 8:16-28) either flies, wild animals or beetles (’arov’)

beetle plagues occur all through the year in different parts of the world and the shiny-backed monsters are some of the most destructive creatures in the world.

just as an example, last year in colorado bark beetles destroyed 4.8 million of the area’s pine trees. in 2005 the toll was 3.8 million and they’re steadily getting worse: boffins believe they could wipe out 90% of colorado’s pines pretty soon. in the western us and canada combined the beetles have apparently affected ‘36′000 square miles of forest’.

i’ll really start to worry when a plague of these hit manchester…

more photos of the beast (thankfully the biggest beetle in the world) are here.

5. (exodus 9:1-7) disease on livestock (’dever’)

the next plague was aimed at livestock, the aim quite cruelly to destroy all that belonged to the egyptians.

there are a huge amount of diseases which affect livestock these days but the most damaging in recent memory has to be foot and mouth disease, an extremely contagious viral disease which affects most livestock (and hedgehogs for some reason) and on very rare occasions humans (that’s us). this little bastard of a disease had quite a low profile until 2001 (the year, not film) when the uk became the naughty kid of the school and experienced an enormous outbreak. the result was a staggering 11 million slaughtered livestock and a british meat ban pretty much everywhere before you could say “moo”.

6. (exodus 9:8-12) unhealable boils (’shkhin’)

next up was a splattering of boils. all men were given a skin disease, the symtpom of which was a large number of boils on the flesh.

from what i’ve read, the place that seems to suffer from boil epidemics the most is alaska. in 1996 in a village in alaska, the local doctor alerted the authorities after he treated 80 boil outbreaks in quick succession. and this wasn’t the first time. whilst not as extreme as the entire male population of egypt being affected it’s still pretty grim.

turns out the outbreak was caused by locals not sitting on their own towels whilst at the communal steambath.

consider yourself warned.

if for some reason you want to look at pictures of extreme boils, go here.

7. (exodus 9:13-35) hail mixed with fire (’barad’)

this plague was quite a feat. god managed to cause a storm that combined hail and fire, the damage to crops, humans and livestock extreme.

believe it or not i couldn’t find an instance of this or anything similar happening anywhere so i have to admit defeat. i will now present some extremely tenuously linked events which have actually happened.
i found orange snow that fell in russia in february (it looks like it could be hot)…

as for scary rainfall, there’s obviously acid rain which whilst not being immediately damaging can reach the same acidity as vinegar (ph 2.4) and very rarely as low as ph 2.2 (the acidity of lemon) and can definitely harm crops and wildlife.

there’s also the radioactive rain that still falls on parts of europe as a result of the chernobyl disaster over 20 years ago. from new scientist…

‘clouds of tiny sand grains are sucked high up into the atmosphere during periods of low pressure over the desert. they are blown over europe and then washed out by the rain. scientists from aristotle university of thessaloniki, greece, sampled the sand that fell in the city in april last year. they found that it contained 26.6 becquerels of caesium-137 per kilogram, which could only have come from the explosion at chernobyl’.

8. (exodus 10:1-20) locusts (’arbeh’)

next, god commanded moses to summon a strong wind which brought with it a swarm of locusts. the locusts ate all the egyptians’ crops.

this one’s easy. locust swarms occur throughout the year in different parts of the world.

in 1954, a desert locust swarm covered an area of 200 km2 in kenya and estimates have since put the number of locusts within that swarm at 10 billion. during that year, 50 locust swarms were recorded in kenya and some experts have somehow worked out that the weight of all the locusts in all 50 swarms would have come to around 100′000 tonnes.

holy shit. that’s more than the weight of 13 eiffel towers.

also bear in mind that a locust can, and will, eat its own body weight in food during a single day.

the video below is planet earth - deserts, narrated by david attenbourgh. if you don’t have time to watch the whole thing (nearly 50 mins) fast forward to about 44 mins to watch some great footage of swarming locusts in action.

9. (exodus 10:21-29) darkness (’choshech’)

after the locusts had disappeared god decided to plunge egypt into complete darkness for 3 days.

in modern times it’s pretty impossible to find somewhere that suffers a complete blackout for more than a few minutes. if your main power source goes off you might have a backup generator, failing that you use matches and light a candle. there’s a solar eclipse but that only lasts for minutes too. anyway, i searched for the longest power blackout in history and it seems to be the auckland blackout of 1998 that wins.

things started turning on january 20th when one of only 4 cables that supplied the whole of downtown auckland failed. by february 19th, all 4 cables had given up and no-one had power for 5 weeks.

there’s an old cnn report from february 24th 1998 here.

10. (exodus 11:1-12:36) death of the firstborn (’makat bechorot’)

for his worst and final trick, god killed all male firstborns.

thankfully i couldn’t find much to compare with a whole nation of male babies suddenly dying and i didin’t want to to spend too much time searching deeper.

one of the biggest killers of babies however is sudden infant death syndrome (sids), also known as crib death and cot death.

conclusion

i’m not a scientist (decieving huh?) but i’m pretty sure the only one we’re never even going to get close to experiencing is the hail and fire storm, unless you’re standing in the path of a volcanic eruption just as hailstones start pelting you and your cattle.